PLEASE HELP. I was purging and...?

PLEASE HELP. I was purging and...?

PLEASE HELP. I was purging and...?

Posted: 31 Dec 2013 01:08 AM PST

Okay so, I don't vomit out of necessity. I vomit because it hurts, it burns my throat and it makes my stomach writhe and I needed that pain right then, it's much better that screaming. But today somewhere between the sixth and eighth time I shoved my fingers down my throat the gags began to be broken up by sobs, I'm was literally broken, and usually it's all clinical. Get the food out before it digests and without my parents noticing what I'm doing. Now I was in no rush and my stomach was almost empty before I began, my parents wouldn't be back in for hours so I literally reached my slobbery fingers back into my mouth and stroked, but there was nothing left; no matter how hard I tried I just kept dry heaving because I was empty. That wouldn't do for me and, I filled a cup I use to rinse out my bit's of pieces of food I had inside (a routine I would do after I purged, I would drink water and purge again to make sure I left nothing inside me) and filled it up six times with water and chugged it down, six times is enough to make me feel like I was going to burst. This wasn't about any of the kids at school making fun of me, this is about me and how disgusting I am and how wrong I am, I knelt back down and I purged that water out and the stomach acid was burning my throat and it felt so good. It burned when it poured out of my mouth and I need that. I was sobbing I couldn't breathe, I kept all my emotions in for so long and it's been a long time since I let myself have it, I always had to stay composed, always had to try and act okay, for my parents. I puked quickly and quietly because I don't want them to find out and stop me. Why would I want them to stop me when I feels like my throat is ripping apart and it felt so good. My voice was cracking and breaking as I literally cried, I sounded and looked disgusting but I don't even care because I look disgusting at the best of times and it just feels so good to hurt, I shoved my fingers down my throat again, more roughly that I usually do, trying desperately to get something more out of myself. My stomach was clenching and my throat was rising and gaging, but there was nothing. I didn't stop though. I don't know why I didn't. I purged until blood started coming, mixed in with my saliva, and even then I kept on going. My nails scrabbled at the back of my throat, trying desperately to get rid of that itch. That itch to empty myself, that itch to hurt myself, that itch to remind myself just how little I was worth. I stopped after I saw saws, literally... and my throat was on fire, I turned on the shower and I sat there and I coughed up some blood, more blood than I've seen in a while. When ever I purge, I stop when I see the blood mixed with saliva because its a way of showing me that I'm finished or almost finished, this time it was more than usual, but someone please tell me why? I don't need your sympathy and you telling me not to purge anymore because I've been doing it forever and I've been fine. It's just to lose weight, and I know today I got out of control but it won't happen again, I was just a little emotional.. I just want to know why I puked more blood than usual.

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